So I heard an incredible sermon about Daniel 4 this last Sunday and have been ruminating on the ideas presented since...The quick version of the chapter is that King Neb (of Babylon) is writing a letter to all the world to tell them of this crazy experience he has had and how he thinks all of them (reading) should give glory to Daniel's God who is clearly in control of everything. King N has a dream about a tree which shades the world until it is cut down, only the stump remaining. Daniel tells the king the meaning of the dream and admonishes him to repent and quick. King N ignores Daniel and a year passes. One day King N looks out upon his kingdom and congratulates himself for such a job well done. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it) for him, God strips his power and sanity and he ends up eating grass like a cow and growing his hair and nails so long that he looks like a crazy bird. This insanity goes on until he acknowledges that Daniel's God is in control and was actually the one who deserved the glory for Neb's kingdom, at which point his power, kingdom, and sanity are restored to him. You should really read the chapter for the actual story...that was just a super fast synopsis...and one done without a bible handy (guess I could look it up online, but I'm not going to, so go read the chapter to make sure I got it all right).
The part about the sermon that really struck me as a new thought was that God is not only in control of me and people in general...our paths and lives and all that...he's in control of history. He's not just in control of the leaders of countries, but also of the cultural movements and thoughts. When the enlightenment was happening, it was happening because God made it happen. Even this crazy postmodern junk (and by junk, I mean that truth is so not dependent on my or your perception of it!) that is currently the fad was allowed or caused by God. Leaders rise and fall, nations rise and fall, wars and peace and crazy weather, cultures and thought movements, everything that has ever, and will ever, occur has been allowed or been caused by God. Whoa. I guess I've never thought about the big picture side of this...so wrapped up in my little world, trying to figure out just exactly how God is moving my life. My view of God is growing...that is a good thing.
And speaking of God causing or allowing, I realized that I tend to say that God causes things that I view as positive, and allows things that I view as negative. I'm beginning to see how my ideas about good and God's ideas about good don't always line up though. So do I take the total control away from God when I say that he just allowed something that I don't like, rather than that he may have caused it? Not that I actually remove control, but do I not acknowledge it? Hmmm... It brings to mind thoughts I've stewed over for the last couple weeks about disappointment. I've been thinking a lot about M lately (M being the guy I loved) and realizing that the further I get from the end, the blurrier the reasons get. If a friend were to ask me what happened, I no longer can really say....I don't really know exactly what happened. I would have thought that time would bring greater clarity, but instead I am more confused about why we aren't together than I was when we were breaking up. (Maybe I should mention here that I'm not throwing pity parties for myself, and in fact feel like I'm me again, the normal Sarah who laughs at everything and loves life, I'm just thinking.) So I was talking to a friend about how I was wondering whether I just totally missed God saying "No" to the whole loving M plan, or maybe we were never right and I was blind, or maybe moments of disobedience brought on a forced separation, or...or...or. My friend stopped me and said "You know, I think that sometimes disappointment IS the goal. God uses disappointment, and maybe he caused it in this relationship to accomplish what he wanted in both of your lives. Think about Ruth and Naomi. Naomi lost her husband and her sons, what terrible disappointment and sorrow. God used that to accomplish his purpose of getting Ruth and Boaz in the same place though." Oh. I was stunned. Could God actually CAUSE (not just allow) disappointment? Could that have been the end goal? He never said no, and it was ok that I loved with everything I had, and the purpose was that we'd end and I'd see some dark times? And did God make Naomi's husband and sons die just to get Ruth to meet Boaz? I don't know. I reread Ruth in an attempt to see if there was a hint of that in there...and there's not... But in terms of my life, somehow thinking that the end might have actually been the goal makes things easier to say "Ok" about. Takes the pressure off of me for thinking maybe I just wasn't listening to God hard enough when I asked him if the relationship was a go in the beginning. And when I think about all the good that has come out of the disappointment, I am reminded that God did use all the hurt for so much good in my life. Even if the disappointment wasn't the goal of the relationship, God sure did use it for good...I have a pretty different kind of relationship with God now than I did before, and it is better. I have a different view of God than I did before, and it is better. I have a different understanding of myself and independence and needs and desires than I did before, and it is better. I think I even find life a little bit funnier than I did before (and I have always been a laugher).
Sorry to dive off into the really-personal pool today. My current thoughts were just overflowing and I wanted you to know that disappointment isn't necessarily negative in the scheme of things....in case you might be experiencing it. It's funny to think how tiny my little life is in comparison with all of time. How do I fit into the big picture? How do my little thoughts even matter? I have no idea...they might not...except that I am controlled by the great God who is in control of EVERYTHING...wow. And all of it, disappointment and...existentialism..ha, is for his glory. Wow. That is too huge for my brain.
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