really? a purpose in this?

So as I've struggled through life these last few days (weeks), so much has gone on in my heart that sometimes it feels like I need to come up for air...
My mom gave me a book to read - Passion and Purity - by Elisabeth Elliot that has rocked my view of things. I cried (and cried and cried) all the way through it, for lots of reasons, but was it ever worth the read. I have come to several conclusions since finishing:
1. Maybe I didn't grossly misunderstand God in the last many months and He did in fact allow me to love M with everything I had.
2. It is not profitable to keep asking "Why???" (in every direction that question can be taken) - sometimes, maybe even often, it seems God keeps a mystery about the way He works and who am I to try to 'force' an answer of why he would allow, permit, perhaps even cause such heartbreak.
3. There is in fact a purpose in this awful struggle, and though I don't yet know what it is, I can be sure that God will fulfill that purpose for/in me. He has promised - when I asked, He immediately showed me a psalm in which I'd underlined "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me, His love endures forever" sometime in the past...if that's not a direct answer, I don't know what is.
4. So, knowing there's a purpose, believing that God loves me and His love will endure forever, I will just wait to see what He wants from me in this - how He wants me to change, who He wants me to be, and how I can know Him more deeply. I guess this deep wound has finally stopped bleeding and now, moment by moment, God is beginning to breathe life back into my mangled heart. It is a comfort to know that He will heal the wound not with scar tissue, which is ugly and dead, but with Himself.

sad thoughts

so I've named this joy in a hope that my joy will come back to me...one of these days maybe I'll wake up and the sparkle will have returned.
At the moment, I think Ben Harper says what's in my heart best in his song Walk Away:
Oh no - here comes that sun again
and that means another day without you my friend...
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes
you just have to walk away, walk away
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes
you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door...

Not the whole song, just the gist...
today has been a sad day but who knows what God will bring tomorrow, who knows when ol' joy will show herself again. We shall see.