heights and depths

Hello hello, long time no whine : ) he he.
So I've had much to think about since I last wrote...mostly about how easily I find myself in the hating-life mode when things take a hard turn. And to be honest, I've only really and truly hated life for a long couple months awhile ago. It's occurred to me lately though that even when the circumstances and situations in life stink, I still love life. Seems like a wide divide between reality of blegh circumstances and awareness of joy...
But, thanks to a sermon and a sweet note from a friend, I remember that the divide is crossed by a bridge found in my Savior. No matter the circumstances, he's the source of joy. As my pastor said last weekend, tough times give us another clear reminder of our need and his complete trustworthiness. They give us another chance to learn to trust, to realize faith. And to look forward to Heaven, because that's when the tears don't exist anymore. Woah. When we're in that miry bog, we reach out in desperation for the only solid ground and those wings to hide beneath, and we find them.

I've just started a book (A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken...thanks Em!!!) that says so exactly what I know to be true but forget often. That is that life is found in the heights and the depths, not in the mediocre and mundane middle. The heights of Joy come with the depths of Despair. And the purpose of the depths might be to make us realize just how high the heights are, to realize the draw of the heights, and to know the creator of the heights. We can choose the middle ground - it lacks the tears and the hurt. It also lacks the Joy. Reading this book makes me remember reading a CS Lewis book (don't remember which) many summers ago which talked about stumbling upon Joy that was all mixed up with Beauty and which was almost otherworldly in the way it brought tears to the heart and hinted of the divine. I remember thinking that I wanted this Joy, that I chose this Joy rather than the easy middle happiness that I could settle for. In choosing this Joy that is so much better than happiness, I realized I also opened myself up to pain. And now, several years later, I have known both heights and depths...and I wouldn't give them up for the comfortably emotionally shallow middle. I think all the thousands of tears that I've cried in the depths have served to make the heights stand out so sparklingly brilliant. So while I hate the depths, I realize that they serve so many purposes...to make me long for heaven, to make me long for the heights of this life, to make me stronger, to enlarge my emotional tank, to demonstrate my weakeness and inability to do this life on my own, to make me grasp for a trustworthy hand, one that must and only can be that divine hand. So when I catch myself thinking, "God, won't you please give me a break? Just a few easy seconds?", I have to repent and thank God for making me better in the way that he's chosen. and thank him too for giving me glimpses of what's better in the heights that come with the depths.

So, yes, I still hate school and my heart is still on hold and I'm still lonely. But my perspective has changed about it all. Yes, teaching and waiting and trying to find friends are tough things for me to make it through, but it's ok because I am forced to grab for that hand. And when I am holding that hand and life has quieted for just a moment, I remember why I love this life...as I sit and drink my tea and look at my cloud-covered mountains, when I feel the crisp breeze and catch the smell of roasting green chile on the air, when I answer the phone and a friend is on the line, when my momma makes me dinner and my dad tells me to hang in there and then stays up until 1am to help me grade papers, when I sit under the stars and laugh about all the goofy people and the eau de pot in the air at a willie nelson concert...that's when I remember that life is good, wait, not just good but incredible. Incredible.

(Yes, I did go to a willie nelson concert...and suprisingly (for me) it was great. Mostly a bunch of old hippies that made me laugh with their red-bandanna-and-fake-braid-hats and their secretive joint smoking...but the music was unexpectedly great too. And I went with a friend and for free. And it was outside and we had a fantastic view of lightning off in the distance. Ahh yes, life is good!)