Note: this is not written out of anger, bitterness, or self-pity...just some thoughts that have been swirling around my head lately. Nor do I hate all males...although, if you do happen to be a boy, please do not approach me in ANY other way than as a friend because boys make me cry too much.
The other day, while my best friend and I were out shopping for paper/envelopes/ribbons/etc. for her wedding invitations, she asked me what my plans were now that I'm graduated and moved home. I told her that I was going to substitute (teach) this semester and go to Africa in March...and then look for a job for the fall because I've missed the application deadlines for grad school for the fall. I also haven't taken my GRE...must do that, soon before everything I learned drops out of my head. She (her name is Sarah by the way) said, "Oh, so are you going to just find a little apartment or something here for next year?" and I answered "No, I don't think I'm going to stay here...I've been thinking about the coasts - maybe Oregon or Washington or maybe Mass-ish area. I don't really know." Sarah responded with "Hmm, so you're back to plan A then." (Plan A was that I would travel as much as possible, live all over, basically galavant across the world on my own) I said, "Yeah, I guess I am. But you know, it doesn't sound like as much fun as it used to." Sarah, always understanding what I've meant to say without me saying it, said, "Well, you did happily give up plan A for plan B...it's hard to go back." (Plan B was loving an incredible boy and going where he went)
So I've been trying to understand why it is so hard to back to plan A... because it is actually easier to be single than attached. I can go where I want, do what I want without having to think about anybody else's needs or desires. I think I'm better at being single than being attached...if that makes any sense at all...just because I have been single most of my life. I can support myself and I can take care of myself...I even have my own tool box and I know how to use the hammer and the screwdriver (ha)! I really do want to see the world and live in lots of places. Besides all that, I do trust absolutely that God will give me adventures, that my life will not lack whether I'm single or not. So why the feet-dragging attitude about plan A? I think it's because I want to share my adventures with somebody else. You know when you go on a trip and you take lots of pictures and you're so excited about them - but then you get home and nobody really wants to see them or hear the stories because they've got things to do and places to be. I don't want that. Somehow meeting and loving that incredible boy made me realize that I really want someone to be there with me, not just to hear the stories and to look at the pictures but to understand and to know...someone to adventure with me. That boy has slipped out of my grasp and I have got to get to the place where I'm content again. Just me, by myself...mostly because I can't imagine anyone else meeting, let alone exceeding, the standard of Mr. Incredible (who is still incredible, by the way, this is not meant to be an attack on him) and besides that, I could really use a break from tears and heartache. And it really is easier to be single. I really can go anywhere now... and I've always wanted to visit the Northwest - that's one part of the US that my family has never made it to. Washington has the only rain forest in North America and everyone knows what a sucker I am for rain forests : ). I've heard that Portland is a really cool town. I think Oregon might take a Texas teaching certificate too (and it would be really nice not to have to take another test). I do need sunshine and blue skies, and I might not get much of that there...but if I just go and teach for a year and apply to grad schools for 2007, then I could go elsewhere if I just hate it. Maybe I could go to grad school on the east coast. I have wanted to live in Boston or the area for a long time.
It is exciting to think about, that's for sure. It's exciting to be pretty much totally unlimited. Who knows what God has in store for my future. Ay ay ay, now if I can just get my heart to cooperate with that view too.
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